Thursday, March 30, 2006

On the stand for being sad

I am a very sad man. This fact became incontrovertible last night. If I were up before the beak in the high court of uncoolness, the prosecutor would have a field day. In fact I can picture it now…

Prosecutor (gimlet-eyed in his horsehair wig and gown): Tell me, Mr Fitzgerald – where were you on the evening of 29th March 2006?

Me: I was out with some friends in a bar named Vic Naylor’s.

Prosecutor: You are referring to the Vic Naylor’s on St. John Street, EC1 I believe?

Me: I am indeed.

Prosecutor: And what did you do in this well-known hostelry?

Me: I had a number of glasses of wine – Pinot Grigio – and a nice chat with my friend Hayley and some other ex-colleagues of mine.

Prosecutor: All these ex-colleagues were young attractive females?

Me: Yes, indeed. Although I don’t see how that has a bearing on the situation.

Prosecutor: We’ll get to that, I can assure you. Your girlfriend was away on business, was she not?

Me: She was indeed.

Prosecutor: So you intended to make the most of her absence. Is that not true, Mr Fitzgerald?

Me: Pardon?!

Prosecutor: When you leave your friends at the bar?

Me: I seem to remember I left at 9pm.

Prosecutor: You left alone and went straight home?

Me: I certainly did, your honour.

Prosecutor: And why were you so keen to leave? So eager to get home and leave these friends of yours?

Me: Er…em…

Judge: Please answer the question, Mr Fitzgerald – however embarrassed you may be.

Me: Well…

Prosecutor: I believe your hesitation speaks for itself. You left early to watch the final two episodes of the new series of [disgusted tone] BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, didn’t you? The last two episodes on a DVD boxset you had actually especially imported from the United States.

Me: Oh god, it’s all true!

Prosecutor: So you had a free pass for the night and the company of several attractive women – but what you were really excited about was the fact you could go home and watch a contemporary ‘re-imagining’ of a crap old sci-fi series.

Judge: I’ve heard enough! Guilty as charged! Take him to the cells!

It’s a fair cop, guv! And I’m not entirely convinced society’s to blame…

No comments: