My Holiday Diary, by Stan Fitzgerald, aged 1 and 2 weeks

Friday 20 July

Go to a big, big place with loads of boring queues. Get food and drink all over two changes of clothes. After realising there’s no more fresh clothes unpacked, Daddy goes and buys me a pure white England kit. I vomit orange juice all over it as soon as he gets it on me. I always thought orange suited me better anyway.

Then we get on a white bus thing with wings. After a few hours wriggling around, trying to explore and dropping food into mummy’s lap, I do some breakdancing on the nappy-changing station and my dad sticks his hand on my poo. Funniest moment of the holiday so far!

The bus thing stops moving and we get out somewhere hot. Aunty Lucy meets us and, after a cool car-ride, we arrive at a massive house (called a ‘hotel’) where we’ve got a room. I practice my walking, have a grizzle and then conk out in a travel cot.

Saturday 21 July

We go to restaurant by something called the ‘sea’ (looks like a huge blue paddling pool) for lunch and the growns-ups eat lots while I smear pizza over my high-chair and show off to the waiters before getting bored, throwing all my food and cutlery on the floor and madly trying to escape in reckless, suicidal fashion.

Monday 23 July

Spot my first cat, lying down outside massive house. Get all excited and dad lets me get near it, but mum shouts “Rabies!” and I’m whisked away quickly. Not sure that ‘Rabies’ is a good name for a cat. I prefer ‘gibbie-gubs’.

See more cats – very exciting! Shout ‘cat’ a lot, which seems to provoke lots of cuddles from the parents. They’re funny like that.

Tuesday 24 July

It’s hot, hot, hot! I spend a lot of time under a funny-looking tree, trying to pull bits off it.

I’m then deposited in an over-sized bath and I’m none too pleased, quite frankly. That is, until I’m given a blue inflatable whale to float about in. That’s more like it!

Thursday 26 July

We and a load of other people are put on a giant version of my inflatable whale that floats on the ‘sea’ thing. My auntie is dressed in a white dress and cries a lot. I’m guessing something sad has happened, but it’s hard to tell with adults. Lots of people I know are here now, including the nice older ones called ‘grandpa’ and ‘granny’. I practice my walking, but it’s hard when the floor moves about. Gain more satisfaction from sliding plastic chairs across a wooden floor over and over again.

Friday 27 July

Have a dance to some music being played by an old bearded bloke with a beard while the adults eat. Grandpa carries me up to him and he kisses me. I’ll stick with listening to the music, thank you, beardy!

I spot another cat and I’m allowed to touch this one. Somehow my gentle stroke causing the cat to make a hissing noise and I find a load of its fur gripped in my fingers. Wonder how that happened?

Saturday 29 July

Play with a bigger boy named Eden and we swop stones from the beach, then compete over how quickly we can climb over a sun-lounger. I learn to say ‘stone’ from Eden, which impresses the adults. They try to get me to say ‘oh no!’ like him too, but I’m not playing ball!

Monday 31 July

Too hot to go out much today, so I try to demolish the hotel room instead. My quest for maximum destruction is thwarted by the parents at every turn. Spoilsports! Between that and trying to food in my mouth at every opportunity, it’s not surprising I have an occasional tantrum.

In the evening, we go to a giant shed, wait around a few hours until we get on another wing-bus thingie. After a bit of peeking over the top of the seat and showing off to the kids in front, I fall asleep and wake up in the back of a car. Then I’m back in my own bed. It’s all a bit confusing, really. Anyway, it’s good to be home…I'll look our for some more cats to make friends with tomorrow...