Obviously SAS observers in the hills over the enemy base would have make sure that Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall was on site, perhaps being fellated by one of his rare breed pigs.
Mind you, who’d need the SAS? I’m sure the locals in neighbouring Axminster would be quite happy to shop the overbearing Old Etonian be-jerkined satchel-mouthed tosspot to anyone willing to put an end to his wholefood tyrannical rule of their town. Yes folks, it’s time for ‘regime change’ in Spermy-Shittingstool’s manor.
Last night we saw him bullying poor people into acting as his serfs on an allotment and patronisingly force-feeding them the vegetables from it. He then browbeat his pet baker into making rolls made from spelt for his ‘vegetable’ themed night in another offshoot of his empire, the River Cottage Local.
A vague sense of drama was generated by the uncertainty over whether the spelt rolls would be ready in time. You’ll glad to know that they were. If they hadn’t been, I’m sure Lord Cocking-Fittingtool would have had the blighter soundly flogged (with a cat’o’ninetails made from the same organic leather as his jerkin).
So, OK, carpet-bombing River Cottage may be overly ambitious, but I’m surprised a resident of Axminster hasn’t already set a roadside bomb to obliterate Hugh’s ostentatiously rustic Land Rover. Now that’s one jihadi video I’d want to see…
4 comments:
Carpet bombing, though undoubtedly satisfying, wouldn't be as slow and as pleasurable as an up-close, personal, Bourne style assassination with something innocuous like a pen or a dried pig turd that has been especially sharpened for the task...
Or a stale spelt roll?
Oh good. I thought I was alone. I've always had this guilty feeling that I ought to be watching it, but somehow there's always something I'd rather see on each of the other 42 channels (including the ones that closed down at 6 pm).
Yes Tobias, you're missing nought. I just watch it to build up a cathartic fury every now and then...
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