Prosecutor (gimlet-eyed in his horsehair wig and gown): Tell me, Mr Fitzgerald – where were you on the evening of 29th March 2006?
Me: I was out with some friends in a bar named Vic Naylor’s.
Prosecutor: You are referring to the Vic Naylor’s on St. John Street, EC1 I believe?
Me: I am indeed.
Prosecutor: And what did you do in this well-known hostelry?
Me: I had a number of glasses of wine – Pinot Grigio – and a nice chat with my friend Hayley and some other ex-colleagues of mine.
Prosecutor: All these ex-colleagues were young attractive females?
Me: Yes, indeed. Although I don’t see how that has a bearing on the situation.
Prosecutor: We’ll get to that, I can assure you. Your girlfriend was away on business, was she not?
Me: She was indeed.
Prosecutor: So you intended to make the most of her absence. Is that not true, Mr Fitzgerald?
Me: Pardon?!
Prosecutor: When you leave your friends at the bar?
Me: I seem to remember I left at 9pm.
Prosecutor: You left alone and went straight home?
Me: I certainly did, your honour.
Prosecutor: And why were you so keen to leave? So eager to get home and leave these friends of yours?
Me: Er…em…
Judge: Please answer the question, Mr Fitzgerald – however embarrassed you may be.
Me: Well…
Prosecutor: I believe your hesitation speaks for itself. You left early to watch the final two episodes of the new series of [disgusted tone] BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, didn’t you? The last two episodes on a DVD boxset you had actually especially imported from the United States.
Me: Oh god, it’s all true!
Prosecutor: So you had a free pass for the night and the company of several attractive women – but what you were really excited about was the fact you could go home and watch a contemporary ‘re-imagining’ of a crap old sci-fi series.
Judge: I’ve heard enough! Guilty as charged! Take him to the cells!
It’s a fair cop, guv! And I’m not entirely convinced society’s to blame…
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