Thursday, May 03, 2007

Cyclist Hypocrisy Naughtiness

There’s nothing worse then hypocrisy is there? Whether it’s Lord Browne slagging off his ex-lover’s honesty while lying about how they met or John Major banging on about family values while banging Edwina Curry, it’s never pretty. Well, it’s time for me to join the legions of hypocrisy in relation to cycling.

Fucking nutters

You see, when I was a scooterist, I’d get really pissed off with cyclists blatantly ignoring the rules of the road – jumping red lights, popping out from behind buses without looking and racing along the pavement terrifying pedestrians. The thing that really, really pissed me off was when they would pedal up the middle of the road, getting in the way and slowing me down. “If I was on a bicycle, I wouldn’t ride like that, they’re fucking nutters,” I would think to myself.

Cycling short shit

Well, now I’m cycling myself on my little Dahon folding bike and, of course, I’m riding like a fucking nutter myself. The thing is – the way London roads are built, you’re really not given much choice. It’s so incredibly cyclist-hostile that it would make your average Amsterdammer shit their cycling shorts. You’re forced to put yourself in the way of danger all the time if you want to get anywhere in this city.

Arse bumper

Let’s take jumping the lights as an example. I know it’s bad. However, when I do this I consider it to be defensive rule-breaking. Motorists are revving their engines, desperate to get going and they’re looming threateningly behind you. Jumping the lights is often the best way to get a safe head-start and avoid getting a bumper up your arse.

Suicide junction

It’s the same with riding on the pavement. Sometimes the roads are so badly planned, it’s the only safe option. There’s a bit on the Euston road/Tottenham Court Road junction bikepath where you’re deposited right back into heavy traffic on a steep slope and at a right angle. It’s suicidal to do this, so one is forced to go along the pavement a bit.

That's just two examples of crap road planning, I could go on and on. So, to paraphrase so many criminals before me, I’m going to hold up my hands and say that “it’s a fair cop, guv’nor, but the cival engineers are to blame!”


Anonymous said...

very funny, although your wife would rather not hear about the risks you face on a daily basis.

Now have you visited MY blog lately?


Steve said...

If the battle lines are to be drawn between you and Jeremy Clarkson then I'll be fighting at your side, sir! Speaking as someone who's been knocked off their bike twice by ignorant motorists I agree that sometimes breaking the rules is purely a defensive move. It's survival goddammit! I bet even Ray Mears rides on the path when he has to...

mihai said...

The behaviour of bastard motorists towards us poor petal-pedalling peacenik cyclists is often shocking.

As for putting them in their place, I've taken to removing a stripe of paintwork off any vehicle whose driver pisses me off. It requires no more esoteric equipment than a 1p coin, and is simply done by pressing the edge of the coin against the side of the offending car while riding past.

Unfortunately, the first and only time I tried it, the guy got out of his car, threw my bike under the wheels of an oncoming lorry and then stove my head in using the passenger seat door a la The Postman Always Rings Twice (Jack Nicholson version).

As I piece together my shattered life (and skull), I now get from A to B on the tube.