Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Scurrilous Cbeebies Theories Ahoy!

Cbeebies kind of dominates the morning at our house. Stan demands it by repeatedly saying ‘Beebies pleeeeease’ almost as soon as he’s downstairs and we’re happy to oblige so we can get on with getting ready. This is possibly the worst kind of parenting, but at least Cbeebies is wholesome and advert-free. One does, however, become strangely fascinated by the chirpy rollcall of presenters – Pui, Chris, Sid, Andy, Boogie Pete and Justin – who must spend every blighted day pretending to be both enthusiastic and mentally subnormal. They’re a regular topic of conversation in our house, spawning a wide range of frankly scurrilous theories about them. These include:
  1. As Chris sings the good night song he looks so pained around the eyes as he smiles. Could it be that a sadistic director is twisting his testicles and pointing a gun at his family with the explicit threat that he doesn’t keep smiling despite the pain the bollocks will come off and his folks will be executed?
  2. Did the same sadistic director take ‘the gang’ out to film the summer song segment on the coldest, greyest day of the year, so they got pneumonia by splashing each other in the sea, then added some unconvincing lens flare and filters in post-production to make it look like it wasn’t actually buttock-shatteringly freezing?
  3. Has Pui (formerly the actor inside the Po suit on Tellytubbies) had a nosejob and is she getting it on with Chris? Was it HER twisting his melons after she caught him fluffing Sid in the men’s toilets?
  4. Is Andy really so simple that he can’t tell whether you use pliers, a screwdriver or a hammer to bang in a nail?
  5. Are the ‘Green Balloon Club gang’ part of a nihilist conspiracy to put us all off conserving the environment? The woman and kids in it are so sickly-sweet and fake that every time I see it I step on a hedgehog’s head and burn a 300m high pile of tyres.

Any Cbeebies theories from other parents out there?

(c) BBC 2008

10 comments:

bobthebuddha said...

Pui getting it on with Chris? I think you may have missed something regarding the latter. And what of Justin MBE, AKA Mr Tumble AKA Jake from The Tweenies? I'm sure there are plenty of wild parental theories concerning him. Not to mention Sarah-Jane.

Steve said...

Ditto! Chris is as gay as a maypole, surely. I don't think he'd touch Po/Pui with a barge pole!

As for TV being "bad parenting", I disagree. The electronic nanny works well in our house - none of us would get out of the house on time without her!

Tristan said...

If Chris IS straight, he's no doubt be spitting feathers that the concensus is that he's gay. Ever thought that maybe Pui is actually lady-boy?

Steve said...

Me love you long time... eh-oh!

Tristan said...

Let's face it, the Noo Noo would make a good living in Bangkok...

Steve said...

Teletubby bye-bye becomes Tellytubby bukake? Perish the thought!

Epicurieuse said...

Chris cannot be straight, his carefully waxed ginormous eyebrows are a giveaway !

Vicky said...

Sorry for the random and rather late comment but has anyone else recently noticed that Pui and Chris have vanished from our screens and have been replaced by a green puppet and that girl from Green Balloon cr*p?

Tristan said...

Well Vicky, Stan recently moved onto Milkshake on Channel 5, so we're not aware of any presenter purges! Perhaps Chris is now DJing at G.A.Y. and Pui has gone back to Teletubbyland to hang out with the noonoo?

Mimi Bleu said...

Pui been getting it on with someone as she is/was pregnant. Chris, I hate! as for gay people, Justin has to be gay along with Ant from green balloon club, maybe not now but one day he will realise!