Hollywood Here I Come!

I’ve decided to change career slightly and become the new Joe Eszterhas. I’ll be popping over to Hollywood soon to ‘pitch’ my movie ideas. As a father, my current idea is to update kid’s classic films to make them relevant to the youth of today. Here are the synopses so far:

Aladdin: Insurgent Assassin
Set in modern day Baghdad, Aladdin is an orphan street kid fighting for the insurgency. Brainwashed to become a suicide bomber by the evil Al Qaeda operative Jafar, he sets out to attack the Green Zone in laundry van packed with explosives. Luckily his detonator button turns out to be enchanted and, as he strokes it nervously, the Genie of the Detonator (Note to self: we probably couldn’t get Robin Williams – is Ray Mears free?) appears to fulfil his wishes.

After striking up a romance with Jasmin, the American ambassador’s daughter, Aladdin saves her from beheading live on Aljazeera after the Genie whittles him a rifle from some Yew wood.

Little Red Riding Hoodie
Set on an estate in modern Sheffield (should resonate with US filmgoers who remember ‘The Full Monty’), Little Red Riding Hoodie is a delinquent teenage shoplifter taking some stolen Temazepam to her grandmother across the estate. After being threatened by an ‘underwolf’ outside Chicken Cottage, she’s saved by a Community Support Officer named Bill Woodcutter (subtle reference to the original plot there). Sadly, when she arrives at her destination, she finds the 14 year old who attacked her has beaten her Gran to death (Note to self: hmm, maybe too strong for PG audience? Maybe he just ties her up and tortures her?) and is cross-dressing in her clothes.

Luckily Bill Woodcutter tracks the under-wolf down using the lad’s ankle-tag and arrests him. The villain is given 30 hours community service.

The Little Mercury Mermaid
Ariel, the Little Mermaid, is about to have adventures “under the sea” when she sadly dies from heavy metal poisoning. In his fury, King Triton hires a hotshot lawyer (Note to self: Tom Cruise may be too expensive – is Ray Mears free?) and enters into a protracted legal battle with the polluters. The case lasts 25 years and King Triton is harpooned by Japanese whalers before a verdict is reached. His lawyer, however, does create fire using some tinder made from seaweed.

Honey, I Shot the Kids
Eccentric inventer Rick Moranis becomes so sick of his wife’s incessant moaning about his inept contraptions that he shoots her and the kids with an assault rifle before turning the gun on himself. As the bullet tears through his brain, he fantasises an entire adventure where his children are turned into giants by his ‘size ray’ and run amok destroying Cleveland. Guilt can do that kind of thing to you.